| 13 Jul 2004 @ 17:42, by Alana Tobin|
As our world goes topsy-turvy, and our shared realities play out their his-terical and his-torical patterns, I continue to see multiple opportunities presented, which have the power to move us into co-creating a new shared story, (our heart story!!). I see the foundation of unconditional love as facilitating these spaces of common-unity. Memories surface as old pictures and stifled cries for love evoke us to release the barriers so healing can come.
Photo: The Fern and especially the Silver Fern is a national symbol for New Zealand. In Maori, the Koru (fern frond spiral) symbolizes new life, new beginnings, growth, tranquility, harmony and peace.
Written by Alana Tobin on 13, July 2004 NZ
In the past couple of years I have been letting go of certain friendships. I have experienced people choosing to leave a relationship with me as well as my needing to move on. Leaving Minnesota and my country America, with a move across the world – pushed me to let go of all manner of relationships. I continue to surrender them at ever higher levels, (that is what happens when one leaves the physical reality and embrace of loved ones-Death! Rebirth!), as I continue to embrace new relationships in New Zeal-land, (land of new life). The primary motivation was and continues to be embracing fully the long awaited love of my life. This love is potent. The big shift!
True love has been busting a move in my life. All manner of BS has been getting busted!! BS:-Beautiful Stuff, (you thought I was going to say something else didn’t you?)- I know, there are some of you along the way who had a difficult time with my choice to leave. I know I did at times too, ouch!- My heart-and from a few of you, I noticed an unwillingness to sort things out, to hear what each has to say within a sacred space, where all thoughts, feelings and perceptions could be valued and considered. Sometimes people insist that things be on ‘their own terms’ versus us getting to an unconditional space where things are on ‘our terms,’ and I believe that is the core problem with relationships breaking down and falling apart these days. I honour your choices though, until I cannot, and I need to move on, damn! I release and let you go to your own choices and devices. My feelings and perceptions are just as valuable and important as yours, Really! And they merit being heard, honoured and considered. Sometimes we just cannot sort things. Some of you say I see life in certain ways, one even dared to say I conjured up a picture of them, and yet they did not do the same? Ey? Yeah right! I did, and I did not! So what to do with the paradox? (Gees, maybe I should try that sometime intentionally, make up a story about someone!) That would be interesting. Okay.
--There once was a woman Sue, Sue who? Yeah, she couldn’t sort things out with Lou. So the two, went to court, cause they just couldn’t sort, the things that had made them so blue! -Boo hoo!) Sue happy with funds, the court case she won –(by the way), but now what of Lou?–(Yoo who- Lou?) In liu -of this case, working two jobs to save face, Lou is ready for Grace and last I saw him, they met at a groovy new place called sacred space. Sue Who, © 13th, July 2004 written by Alana Tobin. Ah a happy ending to every story! That would be a good one to hang in the courthouses of America! Them are the kind of stories I like to make up!. Heheheheheh! -Just a quick improv rhyme to distract me from the seriousness of these times, and this writing.
But seriously folks, (“b’dum-bum!!”) This is my log and I have a need to write today big time. It is especially difficult when we have spent some time getting to know someone in our life, and we thought we had what it takes to sort thru all manner of spaces, and yet we get to the big bump, Aiiiihhh!! And land on our butts, or our heads, as we hit the pavement of another REALITY, and CONDITION-AL LOVE, (albeit conditionings). (what of our shared reality?) your reality and mine collided….Ouch! I know you all have been there sometime? Eh? Through a divorce, loss of a friend, community, etc, and the unfinished dialogues go something like: “I am so sorry that your need to defend and protect, is battling my need to ask you to be accountable and to sort things”. “Sorry that my unrealistic expectations of what I thought you were capable of and willing for, is meeting your need to run,” and I have seen it here in NCN, (you thought I was talking about you, (You-who!) And out comes defiance. Their defiance meets my intolerance, and oh gees, fist to fist, and toe to toe, am I barking up the wrong tree again here? Doing that can be big trouble! People could even say, “Hey, look at her, she’s out of her tree!” Now what would the neighbours or members of NCN think? If they are judging me, the poor saps! Me thinks, I am doing my best to get on top of my own judgements, and those I have had for the crew here. Sorry! I am working on it NCN, and my dear human family.
Thank you everyone for the ‘psychobabble spiels’ and the 'new age jargon’... –depending upon the chapter of life I am referencing, which helped me to reveal that I too have said similar things and Thank Godd-ess, I’ve mostly gotten those spiels out of my system! Yes, I have f-c-ked up too! No shit? Ah yes I feel the agreement. Gees! Look out! I feel it coming, (ducking from arrows now). Sometimes they come one at a time, and other times all at once. The Creator knows when I am up to the battle as I remember the term, “it’s a good day to die,’ shared from an old Indian friend. All the divine drama/traumas and whacky comedy this life presents. Are we all not actors in divine play as the ole boy Shakespeare said? There is perfection at work even as I happened upon Ov’s log yesterday, (thanks Ov!) and I found I really needed to write big time. I am grateful that the illusions which were sitting down deep are now getting busted. It helps me to clear out the faulty pictures I have held of this er, friend – oops! I thought he/she was my friend, and that one friend over there? Friend or Foe, Who Knows? (scratches head). Gees, in this and that community, and in fact the world, I ponder this question now. Wow, can you imagine- if all of us would deal with this concept alone, our pictures, and how they all converge to generate a mishmash of feelings and experiences?
Today, a Big Thank You! goes out to all my friends and foes! You know who you are! You are at choice just as am I, in every nano-second! Really! I always wanted to be one of those people who could be so true to themselves, no matter what others thought, said or did, I could stand in love and brilliance to shine so divine, amongst the worst and best of em! Yeah well, I am standing here now! I remember the book, ‘How to Win Friends, AND Influence people. God please help me with the balance. If you judge me harshly, reject or condemn me secretly, I think you are playing foe, or is that fowl? Chicken Little I would say! Just another of the game roles we play. You know there was this one friend - she was right in one sense. I did have a faulty picture of her and the relationship! You were not the only one along the path of life! Sometimes we forgo the lousy parts, in order that we get to enjoy the yummy parts. Well that catches up with us eventually. There was a book title: something about giving up a part of me to be loved by you, what a bunch of shit that is! I would rather choose unconditional love where we stay present together, to get through the bumps, so we can get conscious and move into the real love that we are. Thanks Max!!!!! I love YOU! And thanks for loving me, through all manner of challenge.. with all the goofy spells and hells that come up for us to bust! You have consistently been honouring your vows to me! I continue to be committed to honouring mine with you too.
Wow, the Creator offers us consistent opportunities to bust conditional aspects to our relation-ships in our families and communities (love has a way of doing that), as we cycle through those spaces to arrive to where we are now. Along the way, there have been collapses of the old ships, and the reconstruction work which has helped us to build new rellies. We are at choice to pick up the pieces and resolve, OR we can all jes move along little doggies. Yet in the bigger community, can we afford to keep moving along like that with our tails between our legs, and our pictures all superimposed - in a dog-eat-dog world? I choose to stop fooling myself and you, by playing a certain role (lil or big)! I commit to claim my big and little selves, all of em, and I invite you to do the same, as we work at or is it play at? -Nurturing spaces where we all get to rise and shine, and… thrive in loving relationships!
As our world goes topsy-turvy, and our shared realities play out their his-terical and his-torical patterns, I continue to see multiple opportunities presented, which have the power to move us into co-creating a new shared story, (our heart story!!). I see the foundation of unconditional love as facilitating these spaces of common-unity. Memories surface as old pictures and stifled cries for love evoke us to release the barriers so healing can come. You are right, my old friend(s), my family, my community, I have been carrying a picture of you – from long ago, and it entailed the hells of broken promises, lies and betrayal, and every manner of deceit, distortion and denial, as the unhealed family continues to relate in maladaptive ways, and oh yes of course, in heavenly and loving ways as well. It started years ago these patterns, how about life-times? I know I am not alone.
As I sit here now, and an old song is echoing in the back of my mind, “All We Need is Love,” and John – even he had foes, one in particular, who just could not bear what he had to say and sing! Well you all know what happened there. If we keep dissing one another, and dancing as we are, is it no wonder we continue to vibe in patterns of Disso-nance as we resist Unity. Units of consciousness are like that, they are afraid of the big absorption phenomena. The battle between self absorption and merging: Heaven to Mergatroids, Stage Left! Remember Snagglepuss? (Cartoon?)
I apologize humanity, for seeing you in limited ways, and for getting impatient with you, your process and mine. With unforgiving eyes, and heart, I magnetize the disguise and lies, until I don’t. And when I embrace you all as my family in this healing time, I open to exploring a shared reality where I believe there will continue to be profound opportunities for us all to show up differently. Maybe that’s the key, to have more patience and tolerance for the dances and foibles that surface, as we stumble through the dense-it-tease-that come. Sorry for my faulty or unrealistic expectations, as I sometimes have really high and low ideals for us, depending upon the day and mood. And yet when push comes to shove, uggghh!, and I see into your behaviour, and I’m finally understanding mine, as I come to see things more clearly, but you decide I’ve got it wrong, and plead- “don’t go there!” and I finally get that you can’t go there with me, as a cloud descends and the opportunity dissolves. So, I know when to cut my losses, and continue to move on with my life.
Yes we are all at choice. I do not enjoy engaging certain spaces and energies, (a new song I have heard playing on the NCN station lately) I like that one too, and yet I will from time to time, if I feel it will help us out, “ENGAGE” as Captain Pecard says. Energy integrity is important to me too, and yet depending upon my mood and ability to sort things out, the choice for service to something higher can take precedence. I temporarily forgo my need for comfort and open to the messy part of birth in community. Oh the balance!
History has a way of repeating itself until it doesn’t. Thanks Max, Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro, Sylvia, Ming, and all the rest of you in NCN, in the US, in NZ and ‘You who,’ for allowing me the spaces to have the big AHA’s and to grow more as love! I know that truth has a way of pushing me and us through creative play spaces, and in no way do I intend to harm or dishonour any of you or myself, and yet, I will, if you have a dream of me being that for you. And if I don’t challenge you to give it up and see me, yourself and the situation more clearly for what it is. Remember that song, ‘SEE ME, FEEL ME, TOUCH ME?’, God, I couldn’t stand that song. Yet I value the words now. Funny. Hehehe! At times, You, are an ally and then you’re not, as on any given day, I become your villain or your ally, as you decide to be my friend or adversary in the dance of tag, hide and seek, and the silly chess games we play. Am I willing to give up my stories, strategies, battles, or my needs to win or lose? Are you? When will our shared story be a support to our own heart story, instead of it being a threat? I honour your heart story, please honour mine, and somewhere in-between I believe that we can co-create a love-ly and magical shared story. We all deserve to be happy!! How can you see me, feel me, touch me? or even know me? -If you are lost in your own contrived images of me, and you don’t give us a chance to know who ‘WE’ really are?
Can this internet space bring love to bear? Heavens YES! I continue to share and celebrate with Max, our heart-story, a true shared story of love and magic. Can you join me in unconditional space? or is Grace not coming to visit today? I thought I just saw her awhile ago with Lou, remember? Oh! You came in late on the piece, Okay. Lou-who? - You say. Okay okay, Yeah, you mean LULU! IT sure is! Wasn’t that a cartoon too? Well, I think I will go be with all this and take it higher, and then lower, so I can practice it more in my daily affairs. God grant me the serenity...
I wish you well.
Alana aka Magical Melody