10 Mar 2002 @ 22:41, by Andy Lehman
You know, I’m really quite utterly inconceivably completely totally unbelievably frustrated. Want to know why? Alright. I’m here. College. I really am clueless. Am I honestly to believe that the best thing I could be doing with my time and burning, searing desire to fix the world right now is to attend fact consumption sessions in pursuit of a piece of paper in which a bunch of rich people say I know something about psychology that, magically, could not be learned from a few text books? Oh bloody hell. My worst fear is that it is the best thing I could be doing.
You know, I’ve had the value of formal education pounded into my head my entire life. So there is a little part of me that will NOT shut up. It keeps telling me that I need to be here. And I am forced to agree with it, no matter how bored or miserable it makes me, for one reason. I have absolutely no idea what I could do that would be better than this. The fact is, this is the best thing I have to do right now. And that is sad beyond belief. I have so much in my mind; so much love of humanity and so much desire to do good. Why, then, am I so incapable of finding something to do with those things? I’ve babbled before about how the inner world can only advance so far without some concordance from the outer world. We here I am.
I do my best to explore my consciousness and all that. But I’m stuck here, functioning on the blind assumption that I too am going to spend my entire life making money and being just like everybody else; an unwilling but totally complacent member of an absolutely insane culture. I just do not know how not to be. I’m even at a loss as to how to start learning. While my mind screams out that it will not be so, my body and daily actions do absolutely nothing to betray that fact. I’ve got to get out of here. But to where? Am I supposed to go join some bloody cult and… blah. Obviously the answer is no. Am I supposed to wonder and gather world savers and… end up on a street corner babbling to myself? Or am I really supposed to do it the societally acceptable way; waste decades of my life earning money so that I may then be deemed worthy to live outside the box. I respect those who do that; I respect them very much. But as someone who still has those decades ahead of me, it strikes me as completely crazy. Nuts. Loco. I suppose I sound crazy and bitter or something… but to me this whole thing really seems like a joke. What oh what am I supposed to do?
I want to start changing my little corner of the world, as they say, but I want to do it in a meaningful way. Not start a sign holding protest group or something. It really drives me crazy. I’d like to but my butt on the line for the sake of the world, but I truly have no idea how. And I know there is no magic formula. But there has got to be another way. And never mind the fact that I’m starting half of my sentences with prepositions. Terrible writing practice, I know. I believe this entry falls under the category of useless rant. Useless, angry, incomplete rant. Don’t worry though. None of this anger is towards anyone here. Just good old run of the mill existential angst. I’m still nice. : ) To be continued...(tee hee hee)
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