|25 Jun 2003 @ 13:34|
Or a subtitle, “What is with that Andy kid anyway?”
A Letter To Those Who Tolerate This Insanity, and Expect Everyone Else to Tolerate It:
It’s a difference that is very fundamental. When I’m looking at this world you’re accepting and telling everyone else to accept (because we just have to), I’m not thinking of some kind of small compatibility issue. I’m not thinking, “Nah, I just don’t feel like it”. I’m thinking… WHERE the hell are you people coming from? Are you tyrants, one and all? Are you brutes? Do our beings have anything in common at all? I mean, when it comes down to it, we both feel “despair”, and all of the other human feelings, but from the way the world looks, I have real difficulty believing that they’re even remotely similar when it comes down to it. Take despair; I feel it as something that says to me, in an undeniable voice, “hold on, stop this damn train, there is something wrong here, and there is no good reason for it to be so, for our beings hold on to that which is much better than this”. They (as in, the other 99.99988678%), on the other hand, seem to experience these emotions as things to be pushed aside, ignored, overcome, and “sucked up”. That is the way we’re actually supposed to deal with this world. What world are you coming from? What possibly conceivable plane of existence do these terrible wounds which seem to you as reality come from? This feeling of isolation and fundamental difference is not a condition that I take pleasure or feelings of superiority from, mind you. I don’t want superiority; I just want to be who I am. If I am to be accused of claiming superiority because I am (and I am not, I know) the ONLY person on this entire planet to demand such a thing, uncompromisingly, then so be it. Hopefully I don’t even need to say that in demanding this thing, I have less than no interest in traditional power or control over other people. And I would NEVER do it violently; the kind of person I AM, and the kind of person I am trying to nurture, would be absolutely incompatible with such things.
You would tell me that this insane worldview and all of the games that come with it are “reality”, immutable and unavoidable, to which we must submit our everything, inner and outer, but do you not understand how FLEXIBLE a concept that is, “reality”, when viewed through the lens of human consciousness? And when one takes into account our ability, collectively and individually, to shape it. There is limitless possibility there! YOU, again, would perhaps dismiss such things as empty philosophical constructs, devoid of “practical” meaning (then you’d probably tell me to take my medicine), but they can transform everything, if only given a chance to grow. They are what we are. And you would remain slaves to this ONE destructive, pathetic, degenerate (used in a sense other than Nietzsche’s, I’d imagine) interpretation of this complexity and beauty that confronts us, all so that you may consider this most important of all problems SOLVED for yourself, and by extension of your brutal “status quo”, for everyone else, for eternity? WE must ALL accept THIS? What disease has taken hold of you, that you think you’ve any right to dictate to your fellow beings in this manner? For, whatever anyone else says, I AM one of your fellow beings, and if everyone else is too scared or too contented to say it, I AM suffering from this. I HURT, most terribly, from this thing that you enforce on the entire world. Do you understand how much your day-to-day reality demands of this world; all the structures of slavery and oppression and compulsion and coercion that it requires to be in place!? What is this MONSTROSITY that you are pushing on your fellow human beings!? What bribe have “they” given you, that this would be your choice of reality? I cannot understand this game you play, in any terms that allow for the human decency with which I identify myself, and I will never, ever, participate in it. What kind of being would tolerate such a thing?
A Belated Letter to a Woman Who Told Me She Had Lost All Hope for Herself (and the rest of you):
And then my thoughts turn to Melissa and I wonder what she meant when she said that there was no hope for her. Did I ask her this, or didn’t I? What, dear past named Melissa, is your dream? What is your highest hope? Is it, as you seemed to indicate, “fairy tales and happy endings”, and is it for the failure of those things that you hate the denizens of this “reality” who usurp the title of “human being” solely for their purposes and claims to ownership of the entire world? If that is so, then let us join hands and demand the bounty of the human spirit, and all those who would speak down to us be DAMNED to live in a world WITHOUT fairly tales and happy endings, for we, you and I, are the truest of human beings, and this will come true, IN SPITE of the oppressing spirits of our idiotic compatriots! For I would see the murder of the deepest, most “unrealistic” hopes of a fellow human being, if I were to see it on the street, the cosmic streets, or any other, as the “decent” among you would see a rape taking place in broad daylight! I would go up and help the victim of the world, of your brutal “reality” that amounts to the theft and fragmentation of our souls. Any way I could, I would try to keep their hopes alive. That is just not acceptable, for people to be altered like that, and have their ability to hope stolen, even if every single person on the planet accepts it! So I say this to all who fear that it is finally time to “grow up” and accept reality! Do not accept as sheep, but hold on to the hopes THEY tell you are unreasonable, spoiled, and childish! Hold on to them, I say, my fellow human beings, even in your greatest time of need, for WE are here. Not I, for I alone could do nothing. YOU and I, both of us, ALL of us, are here, demanding what the grownups-at-heart would deny us for all our lives. Happy endings, happier beginnings, fairy tales, and a world where we may exist as we are, free, without the chains of nine-to-five, blue collar, white collar, or any other pathetic symbol of “their” power that they would try to deceive us into believing and following as an immutable reality.
Follow yourselves, and your deepest hopes, for we too ARE humanity, all of us, and we will not be denied. Not even by “reality”, however loud it roars, shall we be denied! You would ask me what it is that I give you here. I will tell you that it is only the highest, most uncorrupted part of my spirit. If you believe even that highest part to be superceded by “reality”, then go and haul your stones for forty hours a week. Or be contented with the fact that you can only make a tiny difference, and that it is the “little things” you must get happiness from. If, on the other hand, you will believe, enough to make it so, that YOUR spirit is just as mighty or even mightier still than that of those who would dictate reality to you (be they gurus, presidents, priests, or anyone else), then come with me to reclaim this world. Impractical, I hear them saying. “Impractical is this; for we are flawed creatures.” To THEM I say that we have more riches now that any before us, and we need not starve in the process of following our spirits. We can sustain ourselves with the knowledge we have gained through all these hard centuries of struggle. If our “age” has gained anything, if indeed history has been a slow progress FORWARD, it is because of the fact that NOW, for the first time in the long course of human affairs, we can indeed afford NOT to spend our lives toiling away in the “real” world of production and GDP; we may eat and stay alive with a fraction of the work our ancestors would have had to expend. THAT is no longer “just the way things are”. We need not gear our entire lives towards producing objects to be consumed.
On the contrary, we can now spend time exploring the recesses of our SELVES, to depths which our ancestors could not have imagined, and in doing so we may EVOLVE, in the truest sense, into something that we can now only dream of. And what beautiful dreams they are! You know what? They’re realistic too. Not “just” dreams. Visions, to be lived, if we have the courage. Become that happy ending you dreamed of as a child; live that fairly tale, for it is finally within your grasp. We may be impractical, and concern ourselves with things other than products, goods and services, in the name of the greatest service. We can afford to, you see, and EXPLORE frontiers that lie not across oceans, within atomic nano-quantum neuro-electrical implants, even across parsecs (though I do adore the efforts that seek to probe those depths), but WITHIN. You think that’s a cliché? Maybe so, but it’s also true. Let us join together, do our “work” as fairly as we could imagine, acknowledge our physical realities, produce what we MUST, and THEN move ourselves into realms in which we may finally OVERCOME that question of human nature which has bothered us all so much. Are WE animals, slaves to urges, bread and circuses? Are we fundamentally self-destructive? If not, then the universe if ours. Nothing is closed to us, so long as we exercise care and respect. If so, even if we are infected with the basest, most destructive of desires, these new realms will allow you finally to change that which you always thought was unchangeable. I see you (feline and homo sapiens sapiens alike) as I see myself; a small portion of the potential of the universe, having taken the form of the most creative expression the universe has found for itself thus far (that I know of): LIFE!
A purer expression of my selves I would be hard pressed to find. And you may tell us that we must keep toiling, for that is our lot, or the only thing that sustains our “freedom”. It is for us to decide, each and every one of us, what our lot is, and what our freedom will be. That is a decision to be taken with the utmost respect for our fellow beings. Certainly NOT is it to be taken with the paternalistic contempt and domination we see so much of in this world. What; do you think we will allow our lives to be eaten so that YOU may have your piles of material crap, your power over us, while we strive to attain mere fractions of your bounty (as if THEY would fulfill us, fools)!? We will not be caged, and we will not poison our minds by thinking that we can only be the way our ancestors have been. We are human beings, and THAT alone means that we are freer than this society, and this culture, would lead us to believe. Freer, that is, than most of us are ready to admit. That will not stop me, here and now, from proclaiming the essence of what I KNOW I am, beyond the slightest doubt. The rest of you need but claim this; one, two, three, or ten million of you, and then we shall be on our way. How could you even think of consigning an adventure such as this to your children!? Live it, TAKE it for yourselves, and know that your children will thank you for it, for you will open THEIR horizons in ways you cannot possibly imagine. Take it further, with every generation, than you have any reason to believe you can.
Unrealistic, they tell you? Impossible? Just try it, and prove them wrong! Do you owe your inner child any less? DO NOT accept the lies they feed you about our natures; we may be flawed, but we are all as good as YOU are. How good is that, may I ask? Will you, for a moment, believe that you could pursue that most innocent, free vision of your humanity? Then so shall we all! And I DO believe that; we are all human, all alike, I’ve been told. So I conclude that you all are indeed as beautiful as I am, DEEP down. That depth shall surface soon, or I do not belong in this universe. We must speak to each other as we are, scared, betrayed, angry, thrilled, passionate, or not at all; certainly we must not speak to each other as we SEEM. THAT would be a waste of my time, and of my energy; the energy of a human being (I am one, so I know) is far too valuable to waste on such pretense. Mortals we are, and we only have so much time and energy. WHO among you would dare waste it on falsity, or on the symbols or constructs you are taught to follow? Only on our truest selves, FROM our truest selves, and above all FOR them, should this energy be expended. Don’t for a second deny even the smallest bit of that pain you feel. They would call it weakness. Liars! It is real, so bring every fragment of it with you, for it tells you what it is we must work together on, to “fix”; to make a world our truest selves (and our children) will be proud of. I NEED the real you here, pain, rage, hatred, and all. All the dark, and all the light in you are needed for this historical task ahead of us: we are to become freer than we are. What stronger connection could we have than that. It is a connection to each other, and it is a connection to every single human being in centuries and millennia past.
I am whole, and with the whole YOU at my side, no oppressive force will be able to stop us. Without you (and here I shall be honest), I am but one against six billion. No matter what I am, those odds are crushing. They are crushing ESPECIALLY because I am a sensitive being. So, HELP me, and be true to those beautiful dreams, if you’ve ever had them (even in the now nearly forgotten years of your childhood). They spoke to you, unlike everything else, without having to be taught or implanted, didn’t they? THEY are, dare I say it, the truest within each of us. “Enough freedom”, you say? If you are even of the same class, family, genus, or even phylum as I, you know that such a phrase is in itself a lie. Freer; that shall be the core of our freedom. THAT is what has defined so much of our history. It is to that that we owe the amazing chance we have now. We shall never stagnate in that regard, and never step backwards. I am sorry if I am repeating myself in any way. The last several years of my life has consisted of HUNDREDS of attempts, different approaches, and varied angles of approaching this problem, and of trying to reach the humanity that I am sure dwells within every single one of you. Now, I feel urgent enough to try a few different approaches at once, even if that means I have to repeat myself a few times. Please, tell me this has reached you. By what name shall I plead with you this time? Please, HEAR this cry in the deepest parts of your soul, in the name of whatever this humanity is that begs me to follow it every moment of every day. If your humanity is even remotely related to mine, you will understand how urgent, even how outright desperate a plea in the name of my (or anyone else’s) HUMANITY truly is. I do not have the brutality in me to deny myself that; do any of you have it in you to deny it to another, let alone yourselves? I am trusting you; I am believing that you will have it in you to help me, and I presume to say, to help yourselves too, beyond this quagmire. I am having FAITH in you, in spite of all the evil and brutality in this world. Show me that you can share in that, in SOME real way. Please? These aren’t just words on another page to you, are they? Have I broken through that barrier, for ONCE?
This shall be the chronicle of my death, and my final descent from hope, and from viability, OR it shall be the chronicle of my birth as a TRUE human being. No mediocrity will this be consigned to! NOW is the time to see if there is a place for us, of any kind, among beings such as these “humans”; do THEY see this world too, or am I a mistake!? NOW shall I see if these are my fellows or my predestined oppressors! NOW, and not for the next generation, is the answer to this question intended. Not for a few decades from now, once I have thrown a large fraction of my life away on their game; NOW I will know if there is hope here for one such as me; one uncompromising and unwilling to engage in the slightest of pretense. “Childish”, you say? Then you understand not a single facet of MY being! The “popular” reality is sick and old, and I will see it fall away to reveal humanity or I will abandon you all to your madness, once and for all. I will no longer settle for apparent hope, apparent connection with beings I have SOME reason to believe might just be as beautiful as I am. I need to KNOW, NOW! These are not requests, or wants. They are needs, as truly as our need for air is a NEED, for without their fulfillment, I shall soon suffocate. THIS is what I am! I shall die of that affliction, if your wish it be. Better that than to take on the appearance of a species so diseased, just to “fit in”, or even for the all important task of “functioning” in whatever way you would have me function, or that ultimate and foremost among your gods: survival. Do YOU understand how there may be something higher, to a human being, even if the entire universe would shut its eyes to such a thing? I WILL NOT SUBMIT to the edicts of these creatures! Not for a single day. So let the dawn come, or let the night fall, forever. Let this limbo end. I AM the dawn, in part. Will the other suns rise, or are they already dwarves? Will the other rays shine as I know they can, or will they continue to eclipse each other in a struggle for something they ALREADY have, each and every one!? Night or DAY, tell me NOW!
Way too sincerely,
|23 Jun 2003 @ 22:54|
Yes. I know it's spelled wrong. Now then...
All you can offer me is a place where I can’t be who I am. A place where I’m told what to do.
“Plod away, little one, so that we may all have our things. You must pay, you know.”
Pay for what may I ask? For the SIN of having been born into this mad little world!?
“Of course you have a choice. Except for a good part of your waking life, in which you must slave away so that we may all swim in our own idiocy. Of course you may have meaning in your life, as long as it is compatible with our absolute control over a significant portion of your energy and the main conditions of your life. No, really, you are free. This is freedom, and you ought to love it. Now, go out and find a way to slave away for us or we’re going to make your life a living hell. You’re supposed to WANT to do that, young one. Whatever is wrong with the soul who doesn’t follow our blueprint!?”
The despair doesn’t bring tears to my eyes; it just sits and beams its thoughts to me in a single icy stare. See, it’s there either way you look at it. Denied, you think it can be contained. You are wrong. I can’t ignore myself like that. I can’t be denied myself. We are, of course, free to think whatever we want. We can be whatever we want, inside. As long as our body, our actions, our words, our efforts, and everything material follows your rules. What land of opportunity? The opportunity to participate in the largest hypocrisy; the largest dissonance between inner reality and physical being? The opportunity to be whatever I want, but the compulsion to BE only what I can get hired to be, so that I may have the privilege of survival? We should feel lucky. We can do whatever we want on the weekends, just so long as it doesn’t interfere with us coming in fresh and submissive the other five days of the week, acting the part. Just as long as what we ARE, in the REAL world, doesn’t interfere with our production. I not ONLY have all of this inside, you see. If that were sufficient, then I could do what you’re asking. I have it, I AM it, and IT demands to be lived, honestly. I see through all this illusion, and yet you’re in my way, brutal and legion. No choice, and you’re perfectly willing to slaughter people, slowly or quickly, if they’re “bad” enough, to make sure no alternative ever surfaces. Corpse-soldiers of the masses, guarding the gates and telling us that we MUST be this way. Do you see what I mean? And I don’t even know how describe the despair component now; perhaps a point sinking into MY chest. Or a rope around my neck, strangling me. And YOU are tightening it, over and over. I’ve asked you to stop, for GOD’S SAKE. What do I need… no. In your heart, you are so certain that this is my only choice. And your only choice. The WORLD’S only choice, you say; the only way we humans can manage to be! Do you actually believe that? You won’t hear anything else. If I think otherwise, I must be convinced that I must comply. That is the only way you seem to see. How sad for us all.
It didn’t have to be this way. You could have stood up. But no, you too are immersed in wretched contentment so deeply that you’ve no interest in throwing it off. So you condemn me to the same thing. Your children, you condemn to the same thing. All of us, you say, must accept this like so many pack animals! “Facts of life”!? Oh, in thirty years maybe I can start making a few of my own rules. “Thinking tactically”. Maybe, if I'm really good, it'll only take ten years. Now, I must “position” myself according to the rules of this little game you all play when you’re asleep. Do you know what NECESSARY and URGENT mean? They mean, among other thins, NOW, and NO COMPROMISE. You think anyone has a right to ask for compromise on THESE things? Who, by what right? Might? You are indeed base creatures! Or, what other right? What right could justify this rape; this hypocrisy that my cooperation is actually expected in? You would claim, in the name of “society”, access to what I should be “willing” to do? How I will spend my life? What system of anything; of morals; of thought; of BEING could make this seem anything other than an atrocity that any decent being would resist with all its might!? You don’t even hear me. And you never will. You’ve shown me that much. All you hear is a squeak. All you hear is… what? I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, but it means nothing to you. Any of you. Can nothing breach your shell of normalcy? Does nothing in the entire spectrum of existence warrant a dropping of this brutal façade, even for a moment? By what name shall I implore you? God? That creation!? I’ve been doing it in my own name; me, a human being. That is the only one I have a right to, ultimately.
Shall I try other names? Compassion, caring, freedom, all of those things you ice cubes claim to know about; where are they? A fellow human is crying out. Millions of them, in fact, and my cry is one of the more muted ones. One of the ones that requires the least attention to remedy, and deserves the least just the same. You need only let us be, and stop threatening to strangle us if we don’t jump through every hoop your bureaucratic trained seals (and others) put in our way. It’s as loud as I can, this cry I’m uttering. I use big words. Big, bad words. I… i… II I. You won’t take this away from me, nor will you convince me that it’s “okay” or bloody “necessary” to keep it however I want inside, but to play this brute’s and idiot’s and empty shell’s game on the outside, with my body, or my words, or anything. Not one bit will this foolishness get from me. That is my contribution. I am here to tell you that it has gone too far; that far too much compromise is being asked of us. It will stop now. It won’t get past my door. I know you won’t listen? Will you lock us away, or cast us out to rot, or just cover your ears and ignore the most desperate pleas? I don’t know what my MOST desperate plea would sound like, but this is the best I can do right now. Maybe that most desperate one will be the silence that comes after it is too late. Even that hole won’t for a second breach your “reality”, will it? No choice will your mind ever see. Only one choice, in many variations, and you will continue to call this freedom.
I am trying to tell you that this game is a lie. Enjoy your normalcy little ones. I have come to the wrong era, the wrong planet, the wrong species, the wrong everything. Sorry to intrude upon your party. Continue to press your symbols, your gods, your countries, your money, your living rooms full of nice things, and your e-business solutions; continue to worship them, to kill for them, while you ignore the cries of real PEOPLE who are crushed under your collective feet. Be blind, be deaf, be harsh, destroy your world, or just consume it, but please don’t do me the final, ultimate injustice of trying to tell me that I didn’t try to tell you with all my heart. Or WILL you come along and crush even the last bits of dignity that smolder in this pit? Or maybe you will try to tell me why I shouldn't be suffering at all from this? Search yourselves, for there must be some insult you’ve not yet made to the human spirit.
Do I believe it? Do I actually believe that these games, pretense, and destructive constructs (get your minds around that one) are the ONLY choices, truly? No, of course not. But I am still, as are you all, “compelled” to live by it. And so many of you actually defend and justify it! Compelled by the fearless defenders of the status quo and the shepherds above them. On pain… of being left out in the cold. On pain, they feed. On pain, they build. Over and over have I pleaded; a scream or a sentence. Both are equally inert against your everyday. What of your hearts? This blood they pump through your veins; I would have thought it could have understood me. Shall I ask of your souls? No, I don’t want even to give you the opportunity to soil that. What would your souls say of themselves, after having ignored these cries from all over the world, all over the town, all over the faces of people you surely don’t hate enough to inflict this upon? There must be more to you than forcing this down my throat, or anyone else’s. Surely, you don’t feel THAT little for them? Or for me, standing before you right now? Me, a human being. Look me in the eye, damn you! Tell me that it is NOT so. Some sign of life, some sign of warmth, some sign of all those lofty ideals you claim to know of; not the ones you IMPOSE. Not even the ones you fight for. I’ve seen enough of those, and the destruction they bring to the world. I want to see the ones you believe in too much to impose; show me those, in your eyes. Compassion, generosity, freedom, in the flesh, in their raw form, uncompromised. I implore you, one final time, in the name of this look in my eyes, and this tone in my voice, and even in the name of hope, if you know of such a thing; a sign that you’re not as hard as you seem.
|10 Mar 2002 @ 22:41|
You know, I’m really quite utterly inconceivably completely totally unbelievably frustrated. Want to know why? Alright. I’m here. College. I really am clueless. Am I honestly to believe that the best thing I could be doing with my time and burning, searing desire to fix the world right now is to attend fact consumption sessions in pursuit of a piece of paper in which a bunch of rich people say I know something about psychology that, magically, could not be learned from a few text books? Oh bloody hell. My worst fear is that it is the best thing I could be doing.
You know, I’ve had the value of formal education pounded into my head my entire life. So there is a little part of me that will NOT shut up. It keeps telling me that I need to be here. And I am forced to agree with it, no matter how bored or miserable it makes me, for one reason. I have absolutely no idea what I could do that would be better than this. The fact is, this is the best thing I have to do right now. And that is sad beyond belief. I have so much in my mind; so much love of humanity and so much desire to do good. Why, then, am I so incapable of finding something to do with those things? I’ve babbled before about how the inner world can only advance so far without some concordance from the outer world. We here I am.
I do my best to explore my consciousness and all that. But I’m stuck here, functioning on the blind assumption that I too am going to spend my entire life making money and being just like everybody else; an unwilling but totally complacent member of an absolutely insane culture. I just do not know how not to be. I’m even at a loss as to how to start learning. While my mind screams out that it will not be so, my body and daily actions do absolutely nothing to betray that fact. I’ve got to get out of here. But to where? Am I supposed to go join some bloody cult and… blah. Obviously the answer is no. Am I supposed to wonder and gather world savers and… end up on a street corner babbling to myself? Or am I really supposed to do it the societally acceptable way; waste decades of my life earning money so that I may then be deemed worthy to live outside the box. I respect those who do that; I respect them very much. But as someone who still has those decades ahead of me, it strikes me as completely crazy. Nuts. Loco. I suppose I sound crazy and bitter or something… but to me this whole thing really seems like a joke. What oh what am I supposed to do?
I want to start changing my little corner of the world, as they say, but I want to do it in a meaningful way. Not start a sign holding protest group or something. It really drives me crazy. I’d like to but my butt on the line for the sake of the world, but I truly have no idea how. And I know there is no magic formula. But there has got to be another way. And never mind the fact that I’m starting half of my sentences with prepositions. Terrible writing practice, I know. I believe this entry falls under the category of useless rant. Useless, angry, incomplete rant. Don’t worry though. None of this anger is towards anyone here. Just good old run of the mill existential angst. I’m still nice. : ) To be continued...(tee hee hee)