|19 Sep 2003 @ 03:20, by ZERO|
I have been many things. I have seen many things. I have hopes and aspirations. I have vision. but i have so many questions. and too many answers. how are you supposed to decide when you are given such a big menu? most people stick with the classics. "Number 1, with a Coke." but life is realy nothing like fast food. the quick fix is never the answer. so when you roll up in the Cosmic Drive-Thru of the Realization of Your Own Life, you start to realize that burgers just arent doin it. but what else is there? i mean realy? chicken? tacos? what about some pasta? or what ever happened to a good ol banana? and some cheerios? are you realy even hungry? take your eyes from the menu and see what more there is in life that might fill that hole. just a thought...
so any way, things are great. I am completely lost and without hope. I have no direction or sense of purpose, nor the balls to accomplish such a level understanding. standing here, at the threshold of my very "ME", i can only cry. whatever i was is dead. whatever skin was there is shead. naked and affraid, my fear is naked. and i am no more. yet I stand tall. and what stands here is me- ME. "Hello world, this is Me" it is completely unlike anything i have ever felt, yet so comfortably familiar. it feels like... Me... just me. i had forgotten that I was a scared little man in a dark corner screaming into his pillow, praying for all of it to be over. not understanding why the world I lived in had to be so backasswards and dramatized and exagerated to the point of everthing being a battle. and everyone telling me whats important, all the while trying to hold to what I feel is important, and figuring out what is universally important. and who knows what else...
so in awakening and cralling out from under my rock, the light is no longer at the end of the tunnel, its Everywhere. Everything is illuminated by it, brought to my focus. my senses naked, my conscious empty, i am overwhelmed with a flood of regret of all the things ive done. no... No. frustration with all the things i know i should have done, and Still dont do. its so much easier to just go get a burger. Biggie Size... with a Coke- and uh... throw in some extra fries, the perfect woman, a house, a grant, a side of ranch, and make sure we get plenty of napkins. but they never get it right. "Hey this is Pepsi!"
so where do we go? how do we now cultivate that witch is important in our new lives? what tools do we have? what skills have we gained? what weaknesses must we avoid? how do you smile now that you dont have a smiley mask to put on? what is it now to be angry? what is there to fear? and why fear it? fear is pushing away- the opposite of accepting, learning, and undersatnding, the father of anger and frustration, mother of self pity and capitolism. Ruler of the Entire World. not money... not power... not logic, wisdom, or love.
Fear controls almost everything that we do in this modern world. at the very core of civilization. our "Culture", our society and world view, our history, health, and relationships are all so tainted with Fear Almighty, that no one realy remembers whats important. we have built our entire outlook on the fear of not being happy. happiness is now all that is important. so all we realy know about anything is how it relates to our happiness. how do we cultivate and feed this happiness? what gets the quickest results? the biggest rush? the most passion? the most gain, reputation, quantity? and how do we keep it safe? "What callenges my happines?" suspition, scandal, conspiracy. Where is my happiness? What does it need? What could go wrong? as simple as that.
there is suffering in this world and there will always be. if we devote all our energy to avoiding all suffering at any cost, we start to find suffering in so many places that all we can do is fit ourselves into patterns and routines and categories of: This is what I like. This is what i dont like. but when This is more like That, well That changes everything.
so just think about whats realy important. and who you realy are. how much of what you are is what you are because you keep telling yourself you are what you are, and you are whatever this world and your parents and teachers and friends and enemys and health and choices have forced you to be. you are what you are because you have chosen to be that. every step of the way you decided how to react, to push or to accept, to destroy or to join forces. to react or respond. the choice has always been yours. you are your own fault, only you can save yourself. and you can only save yourself.
everybody else is just as lost as me, and I am just as lost as you. so look to your Self for the answers, youll be suprised to find out just how much you have to learn from yourself.
You are the ultimate source of redemption.