Tuesday, August 24th 2004, by Brenden Macdonald

Today like most days, I woke up chaotically in a spindizzy of dream calling me to live in it while I pick up the course of another day again.

I went outside and sat on my front porch and my neck was stiff and feeling sore like it wants help, like my head is being squeezed off by a closing fist. In 2000 doctors diagnosed me with something called Pain Amplification related to what they called Fibromyalgia in my mother.

Eventually, sitting on the porch consoling my poor neck I remembered again what this pain means to me, and I relaxed into a deep breath. Then I relaxed into my body for another beginning of the day, foreseeing my course about to go up and down all day from pain to sadness to realization and ecstacy to joy to fear to pain and back thru it all over and over. And this is seemingly inseparably entwined with relative ease of breath and grounding in soma.

I can breathe a way, an open and focussed way, return myself to this vessel, and powerfully remember how easily self-love lightens my emotions and frees my body. I feel like I need help from learned others who understand energy work and can help me manage how much cosmic force is going thru me. I am receptive to the idea that one must follow their own path to achieve a continuity of peaceful flow, yet I am also receptive to the idea that one can possess energies and not know how to manipulate the latent trigger points of this bodily vessel which would help one coordinate and integrate these energies healthily into that peaceful flow.

I feel overcharged like I could cry forever for what feels to be an infinite and evanescently beautiful sadness...