2002-02-16 11:33:26 -- At first, I wrote mainly on the typewriter, since I could pace my thoughts to the speed of my two fingered typing skills. It gave me a structure and control which helped me manage the gush of stuff that come up for expression. The gushing part took me by surprise, and it constantly amazed me that the words didn't stop. I didn't do anything with what I wrote - "who would want to listen to my babble?" is what I thought back then.
Then I stumbled across the inner child. My inner child. This was in 1993. It was a very difficult experience in the beginning. Stubborn, rigid, willful, angry, cold, aloof - all those things I expressed whenever I was scared or hurt. And in relationships I seemed to be scared and hurt a lot of the time. I read a book called "The Artist's Way" and in it the author described a form of journalling which appealed to me. I experimented with it, and the power of it amazed me. I sensed that this form of writing, combined with the concept (back then I thought it was a concept) of the inner child, could work for me. In 1990 I had decided to heal my life. No more beating around the bush. I had met and fallen in love with a wonderful, beautiful woman, who returned my love whole-heartedly. This lady's presence in my life was the catalyst of an emotional rebirth for me. Those tightly locked doors had to be opened. And I couldn't do it, then. Eventually we went our separate ways; and I still silently thank her for appearing on my path and the beauty she brought into my life. Being with her precipitated a deep catharsis within me. She was the second person to teach me about the healing power of love.
I have discovered these doors were not locked against other people so much as they were locked against myself. The low temperature was me being cold toward myself. I wasn't having heart for myself. I started journalling, experimenting until I found what works. Then I took ownership of what I discovered. Sometimes painful, sometimes joyful, always healing, always worth every step of the way. "A Path with Heart" is the result. This journey is not unique to me. Every human being makes it. From entrance to this world to departure, it is all about learning to have heart for ourselves. If you adopt an attitude of patience and persistence; and journal as I describe it, you will come home to your heart. There are no ifs buts, ands or maybes about it - your healing is a forgone conclusion. This is not some pie-in-the-sky theory with no substance to it. No matter how badly you have been hurt, it is not beyond being healed. I am speaking here from pragmatic experience; my life has literally been turned 180 degrees by this process of journalling. Buddha taught "The greater the burden, the greater the enlightenment." No matter how violated you have been, or have violated yourself, the essential you is completely untouched and untarnished.
I am speaking of your spiritual self - the inner you. The "you" that you see when you look into your eyes. Your body, emotions and mind may have been trampled into the dirt over and over. You are not your body, your emotions or your mind. These things were brought into existence during your mother's pregnancy; they will cease to exist when you pass over (die). You already are whole, complete and perfect just as you are. The trick to all this is removing the mistaken thinking and confused emotional beliefs that you picked up both as a child and even from past karmic experiences. What and who we are as adults is literally built on the foundation of what and who we believed ourselves to be as children.
I believed myself to be massively broken, responsible for other people's troubles, and a "blight on the world." I was called it so often I ended up believing it. Through journalling, I finally found what was behind those tightly locked doors. I found I believed that whatever and whoever I loved would either die, break, fail or go away. I found I had this agenda of "emotional suicide" whereby I unconsciously made the above belief come true over and over. All this has transformed now. Since it has happened for me, it can happen for you, can it not? This is, after all, an equal opportunity universe. You are a perfect being just as you are. Go look in the mirror - check it out.
Wisdom of a Child
Our inner child, the precious small person we once were and still are, knows. The state-of-being I am calling "inner child" is really the conscious communication of soul speaking to us through heart. Hearing it is not a case of volume, it is a case of quiet. As we quieten the noises of fear, grief, confusion and anger, then the inner child is heard ever-more clearly. The message is ever-more simple also - accept ourselves, love ourselves, forgive ourselves. We are already whole, complete and perfect just as we are. And the way we are, is the way we are.
In oneself lies the whole world.
And if you know how to look and learn,
then the door is there and the key is in your hand.
Nobody on earth can give you either that key or the door to open except yourself.