MEGATRENDS: Texas Chile Cook-off    
 Texas Chile Cook-off4 comments

Chili Cook-off

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have
lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL. - "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when
the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy *^$, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
##& -faced from all of the beer.

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- M y intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I @#^! on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to
be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report




12 May 2008 @ 18:00 by jmarc : heehee
Reminds me of a Simpsons episode when Homer ate a rare chile pepper that is grown by {LINK:|mental patients in Guatamala} and ended up on an acid-like trip.
I loves me some habeneros.
I've been on {LINK:|FireGirl's} e-mail list for a while now...

"Hike Naked; Splash Through Puddles; Put Hot Sauce on All Your Food."  

12 May 2008 @ 21:13 by vaxen : Thanks!!!
Great link, jm...we, too, love it killer hot. Keeps the mind clear and the body strong and great for those wintery temps, eh?  

13 May 2008 @ 05:38 by skookum : hahahahahah.. that was hilarious
i have not built up a tolerance for hot and spicy food like you guys have

please forgive me lol

I know you can gradually destroy your ability to taste hot and spicy foods if you work at it lol



13 May 2008 @ 09:29 by vaxen : Tee, Hee!
Heya skookum! Glad you enjoyed that. Precious to laugh at in the general patterns of thinging so it is really necessary to find some funny stuff once in awhile that we might maintain the balance, eh? Good to see you...  

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