MUSE LOG: Straw Paws    
 Straw Paws18 comments
picture19 Jun 2003 @ 09:10, by martha

The Interview

My column today is a reprint of the infamous Bearly Ponder Press articles by Loopy B Nosey. We spent a delightful afternoon together in conversation and due to the numerous questions by Loopy the interview was extended through dinner and into the late evening.
Loopy wrote two articles and today is a reprint of the first article to clarify any misconceptions. While some of my ideas may seem radical, once you adjust to these changes, your life will take a new turn. Guaranteed!

Bearly Ponder Press

Interview with Straw Paws columnist Mr. Morris

By Loopy B. Nosey *

Part 1

LBN- Thank You Mr. Morris for honoring me with this interview. We are sitting under a large gnarly old oak tree on the patio of Mr. Morris’s lovely Pasadena home, enjoying the sunshine and discussing The Morris Way. Do you do the gardening here? Those ferns are lovely and some of the largest I have ever seen.

Mr. Morris – I hardly think my fans care about the gardening around here. If you must know I supervise the gardener. He goes through spells of care and neglect. He has been busy several days, under my direction of course, digging and replanting. He’s a bit slow, you know. The garden needed serious attention before any interview photographs would be allowed. But never mind…. ah here he comes now with our late drinks. You can leave us alone now Mark and Martha while Loopy interviews me. What’s that, Martha is staying!

LBN- Yes I believe that was a condition of the interview…err I was wondering why your manager Martha insists on staying? Well never mind. You know that your philosophy The Morris Way is making stirs in the New Age Movement.

Mr. Morris- The New Age movement needs a good kick in the derriere. I was compelled to write The Morris Way, my best selling book, to set the record straight and expose the hypocrisy and false beliefs floating around. Through The Morris Way people can find love, peace, beauty, freedom, and wealth.

LBN- Wow that’s a tall order. And what record needs to be set straight?

Mr. Morris- You know, all that babble about enlightenment, peace, love, turn the other cheek, make love not war, recycle, save the trees, blah blah blah… no end to all the new age complainers. Excuses, excuses, for not doing anything of value.

LBN- What are your qualifications?

Mr. Morris- I wrote my book after giving Growling workshops and Bear-Essence raising groups. Participants said it was the most unique experience they ever had. Their enthusiasm inspired me to spend long weeks toiling in the closet typing. I then had to sneak the manuscript out to a publisher. Bearly Conscious Pressings accepted the manuscript immediately and the rest is nearly history. It has been on the best seller list now for two years.

LBN- What is The Morris Way?

Mr. Morris- The Morris Way is a philosophy for living a bearly conscious life. I cut to the marrow and expose the Newy Agey Illusions. Why do you know what New Age stands for?

Martha- sigh

LBN- No I don’t. What does New Age stand for?

Mr. Morris- Nitwits Enjoy Wishes About Guaranteeing Enlightenment.
UFO’s, supernatural beings, angels etc.- give me a break! Like who wouldn’t have a heart attack if you saw a 10 foot glowing angel? What good is that if you are dying from fright? No wonder there are no valid pictures of Gabriel or any of the other so called Angels. People just want to give away their power to such imaginary tripe.

LBN- Hmm….Well your approach has created some controversy you must admit.

Mr. Morris- Grrhehehe. The truth is always controversial. Throw away those crystals, herbs, tarot cards, runes, horoscopes, ghosts, meditations, exercises, chants, dances, enchantments, channeling techniques, analysis of all kinds and embrace The Morris Way.
What is truth? Overrated moralizing when we know the world doesn’t operate that way anymore. Why teach it and burden others with guilt when the fact of the matter is everyone lies. Grow up people. Follow my lists.

LBN- I notice in your book you have numerous lists of guidelines. For example, 100 things to improve your life. Some of these suggestions seem a bit…well odd.

Mr. Morris – Cough cough, Oh dear I finished my drink. Martha could you get me another mimosa please? Thank you. ( sliding glass door closes as Martha leaves)

LBN- I was specifically referring to # 4 concerning cats and # 13 which says No Giraffes of any kind around.

Mr. Morris- #4 hmm… Cat’s aren’t allowed in the forest anymore. They scratch up the trees and disturb the honeybees. Very disrespectful of them and don’t give me any excuses about them just being their inner essence. Nonsense, cats can mind their manners just like all the animals even though giraffes will never learn considering the size of their its itty bitty brains, which leads me to #13 concerning giraffes.
They are a pitiful excuse for a mammal. They are silly looking with those gangly legs and tiny head. And that neck….why I think that is where all their brains slipped to. They are impossible to train. Why did you know they emit stupid energy and so no image of them of any kind should be around your home or at your work place. The stories I could tell you about their tempers… oh never mind here is my drink. Thank you Martha.

Martha- You’re welcome. Did I miss anything?

Mr. Morris- Loopy was asking about the book.

LBN- You also have rather an interesting twist on Yin-Yang.

Mr. Morris- Yes I do. Did you know that Yin really stands for "Your Inner Nagging" while Yang stands for…

Martha- Really Morris I don’t think…

Mr. Morris- Your Anger Needs Gas.

LBN- giggle, giggle, oh Morris you…

Mr. Morris- That is Mr. Morris. Enough now lets get down to the serious stuff.
I have spent years meditating, exercising, expanding my consciousness, traveling in body and spirit, dreaming the impossible dreams, studying with bearly gurus, growl-yodeling, and trashing techniques. Through all these disciplines I developed my philosophy for living. Oh Loopy, you finished your drink. Oh thank you Martha for getting her another one. (door closes and Martha leaves).
Everyone makes such a big deal about a "New Civilization" and whining about the "Old Civilization". Hey people we are here now and you might as well enjoy it. Take your pick. There are lots of delightful distractions and pleasure seeking pursuits. And when you soul tires of these frivolous dalliances, then pick up your copy of The Morris Way and I will direct you in the ways of life’s enjoyments.

LBN- You have rather strong feelings on channeling. I was wonder…

Mr. Morris- Why would anyone want to channel another’s thoughts. Don’t they have enough of their own thoughts running around in their head. Gets crowded with someone else’s thoughts also in there. I have noticed with these so called channelers, that they sure due hold strong opinions due to too many thoughts crammed into their brain. Imagine you know one thing to be true and your channel argues with you. Who needs it. Back and forth, argue, argue, argue, yuck! Don’t bother trying to channel.
And this idea of everything being connected is a conspiracy also to make one feel guilty. Straight lines work just fine. None of this taking the other path. What nonsense when I know what is best for humans. And let me tell you Martha is an idiot to think everything is connected. Gawd I get tired listening to all that babble. Why did you know that...oh here is your drink Loopy.

Martha- Well then how are things going? Are you getting a clear idea of The Morris Way Loopy?

Mr. Morris- Of course she is.

Martha- I was afraid of that.

Loopy- Yes well, getting back to connection…

Mr. Morris- Connect to your inner Bear- Essence through The Morris Steps. Oh yes and just to clear up any misconceptions, I am not related to Morris men. I certainly don’t dance around with handkerchiefs. What silliness.

Part II will appear in next month’s column.

Until then "Straw On"


Mr. Morris encourages all irrelevant questions.

* Loopy B. Nosey is a roving reporter for The Muse, Bearly Ponder Press, Newest Civnet Times, Argonaut Pressure, The NCN Citizen, Room Rumors Network, R.E.S.P.E.C.T.* and other popular new consciousness publications.

Loppy has a
- BA in Journalism from Connecticut College for Civic Consciousness, New Argonautport, Connecticut.
- MA in Humanology from Southern Universal University, Goodwill Georgia
- She is presently working on her thesis "Civilizations for the Next Millennium" for her PHD from Casey Roberts Channel University, Santa Barbara, CA

* R.E.S.P.E.C.T. stands for Republic of Evolution, Social, Political, Economic, Community Togetherness.

© Martha Borders 2003

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23 Jun 2003 @ 18:33 by spiritseek : Dear Mr. Morris
What is your belief in marriage with another species? Also are you single?  

24 Jun 2003 @ 10:38 by martha : Dear Spiritseek
Inter marriage of species is just fine with me as long as giraffes are not allowed, for obvious reasons stated above. Which two species did you have in mind marie (grr, grr)? Plseas don't tell me an elephant and a donkey (aka jackass). then you get an elehonkey- yikes.

As to my status, I must confess my heart is deeply attached to ma. Has been for 53 years now. In my earlier years she treated me very nicely as I will show you once I dig up the picture. In later years I haven't shared her bed and she seemed more interested in other humans. But she has always kept me near to her and I know she loves me best.
I'm single at the moment though, (grr, grr) marie. What do you have in mind?

Mr. Morris  

25 Jun 2003 @ 06:56 by spiritseek : Dear Mr. Morris
Thank you for your response, as long as we're on the first name basis what is yours? Also, I'm actually in love with a teddy bear myself his name is TJ. He was very cuddly last night, grrrr.  

25 Jun 2003 @ 07:27 by martha : my name is
Mr. Morris Bear but I insist you drop the bear. A left over from my ma's baby days.
I heard you and TJ last night!!!!  

25 Jun 2003 @ 10:59 by spiritseek : Dear Mr. Morris
I see that you have been learning remote viewing from Martha...PLEASE STOP! giggle  

25 Jun 2003 @ 13:02 by martha : Well to tell you the truth
I am much better at RV then ma ever will be. She doesn't follow The Morris Way and has handicapped herself. (She still has some stupid giraffes around)  

26 Jun 2003 @ 08:17 by jazzolog : I Don't Get It
If your name is Mr. Morris Bear, why in the world do they call you Mr. Morris...instead of Mr. Bear? People don't call me Mr. Richard...although in formal Victorian times or in grade school I might have been Master Richard. Is this something like that? Mistress Martha? Ms. Martha?

Also I'd like to hear more of your views on the New Ape movement. Are we getting closer to the enlightenment the monkies promise? And what about the New RandomFractal Civilization? Is there important progress here...or are we spiralling out of "control" (I know we hate that control thing.)

Thank you,
SaxophoneBlowing NutCase  

26 Jun 2003 @ 21:15 by martha : Well Jazzy or is it Mr. Richard?
What a silly question. Each person can choose their name. I AM MR. MORRIS. End of discussion...and a word to the wise, ma is really particular about what she likes to be called. Be very really really don't want to see her get mad.

Our world is getting more fractal and that is why I worte my book. To lead you away from the edge of humanity's insanity back to a heaven on earth. Especially if you are feeling like you are spiralling out of control you need to grab the life perserver I am throwing you and go buy my book. I can bring control back into your life.

Mr. Morris  

2 Jul 2003 @ 00:01 by quidnovi : LOL
"Cat’s aren’t allowed in the forest anymore. They scratch up the trees and disturb the honeybees."

Maybe we just need a scratching post. That Patio of yours seems like a perfect place for it, and it seems like the large gnarly old oak tree there will do just fine for now :-)  

2 Jul 2003 @ 08:47 by martha : good thing FF
i have my eye on your kittys. I heard that they don't always listen to you. Just don't let them stray far from that oak with no honey bees.  

14 Jul 2003 @ 02:14 by :-) @ : Through the Looking Glass:
On this occasion the kitten only purred: and it was impossible to guess whether it meant `yes' or `no.'  

15 Jul 2003 @ 07:01 by martha : You don't have me fooled
just cause that feline is purring doesn't mean it is behaving! In fact I notice there is mishief afoot out on the logs today and I bet the cat is behind it!
Mr. Morris  

17 Jul 2003 @ 11:11 by The Beckoning Cat @ : (Raising his paw)
Actually the cat has been kind of keeping to himself lately---there are those things on the other side of the Looking Glass to which he must attend and that have been kind of keeping him away.

Do not let the small ripples on the surface of the mirror deceive you:
"The small ripples that are sometimes seen on the surface of an otherwise calm sea are known as cat's paws and are said to be caused by the ghosts of ships' cats dancing ahead of the wind."-----{link:|Cat facts}  

18 Jul 2003 @ 07:23 by martha : cat link
Thank you for the cat link and I have bookmarked it for when I miss my furry friends (don't tell Mr. Morris who is in the closet).
Yes summetime is a busy time especially if you live near the beach. I am not fooled by the rippling glass. I see the eyes watching. LOL  

20 Jul 2003 @ 15:20 by martha : Hey what's going on here?
I take a nap in the closet and now someone else is answering MY log. Well here is something to give you a better idea about government cats.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff". T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, chased the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.  

23 Jul 2003 @ 10:54 by martha : For cat lovers
> > Take your time and see if you can read each line
> > aloud
> > without a mistake. The average person can't.
> >
> > This is this cat
> > This is is cat
> > This is how cat
> > This is to cat
> > This is keep cat
> > This is a cat
> > This is dumbass cat
> > This is busy cat
> > This is for cat
> > This is forty cat
> > This is seconds cat
> >
> >
> >
> > Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line
> > from the
> > top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it
> > on.

Mr. Morris  

23 Jul 2003 @ 16:09 by swan : It is funny but for some reason
I read the third word in each line down before i got to the part where you said " read the Third word in each line!  

24 Dec 2016 @ 02:34 by Packers and movers in Gurgaon @ : Packers and movers in Gurgaon
Packers and movers in Gurgaon #
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Certified packers and movers Gurgaon blog  

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